[Slice of Life] - About Grieving

I was attending a 3-day workshop about performing a training and at the end of it, the facilitator told us to complement another participant, and I was told,

"I did not know what you were going to talk about, but when I saw you smiled, I felt like I wanted to follow whatever it is you are going to talk about. You smile all the time, keep it up."

To me, this came as a surprise. It has been two weeks since my dad's passing, and I had left Indonesia for Switzerland to resume working.

The first three days after his passing was a terrible ordeal. First, I had to sit down for at least 19 hours in public transportation, holding back from screaming, punching the window of the train or the plane or yelling at the two kids sitting next to me to stop looking at me and making so much irritating noise. I had to bear with not able to do anything or ask anything in detail because my brother had to take care of the situation and my mother was just in hysterical mode.

The second day, I arrived and saw my dad's face, bloated, blue and pale. His nostrils were stuffed with cotton, and his lips purple. Black stains covered half of his face, and his hands were stiff and cold. His eyes were closed, and I can't even remember the colour of his eyes. The only part of the skin I could see was his face, yet when I touched it, it was like touching a block of ice that would never melt.

Flashbacks of memories that were normally kept at the bottom of my mind's cabinet were suddenly finding their way out and they started to flood my brain. Happy times became sorrows and sad times became regrets. Many what-if's started to haunt me, but as pitiful as they are, what-if's cannot change anything. They bring nothing but stabs to your heart, leaving scars in process.

Worse, I had not expected that many people visiting my late father. It should have been a grateful thing, but it made me unable to properly talk to and pray for my father. Every single time I started a prayer, guests came and I just had to explain again and again how my father died, when I was not even there when he died and until now I don't even exactly know how he died. I felt helpless.

Pretty much the same thing happened on the third day. I was better at handling crowds and ignore the sound of flash and shutter of a camera. I was better at ignoring the stares of visitors. I heard stories of deaths related to the visitors of my late father. Stories telling me that age did not matter. That even a person doing regular exercises could die of the same cause. That it would take time to heal.

Still, to be honest, what I wanted to do was to smash everything in the room and scream,

"Why did you not wait for me?"

I was ready to go home for Christmas. I had worked hard the week before he passed away so I could go home and spend good times at home. I did not spend much time with my late father a week before his passing. I should have had spared some time to talk to him longer. Regret is a bitch; it always comes after, but never before. Regret brings frustration, and frustration brings tears.

In the end, crying solves nothing. Grieving solves nothing. Not having appetite solves nothing. They just create problems and worries. They leave things undone.

But still, I discovered that even if people tell you to stop crying, you should not.

Cry when you have to cry. And remember what you felt when you cried. Remember that numbing pain, that hopelessness, that uselessness of yourself, that weak, ugly you.

And then look at a picture of you before all these happened.

Is this who you are?

Don't let grief define you. Don't let it distort your identity. Grief can reshape the future, but it must not destroy it.

Grief is there to make you remember to spend your time more carefully and wisely. To remind you that nothing is eternal. To humble yourself to say sorry even if you are not in the wrong, and to give you courage to say "I love you".

Today, I shared the story of my loss to the person who complimented me on my smile. After saying a few words of condolences, he told me,

"The part where you keep smiling... it's your personality. Don't lose it."

Friends and readers who are grieving, who grieved and perhaps one day will grieve: don't lose yourself. Slowly but steadily pull yourself back up. Time to time you may fall again, but be strong. Pray, and believe in yourself. And once you are back in shape, remember to help those who fall into the pit of grief, just as how others have helped you.

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What is Your Favorite City to Live?

I have been pretty nomadic since I was 11, and I have been moving from one place to another in search of my dream (it keeps changing, by the way). And no, I don't move because my family had to move somewhere. I basically moved out of house by sheer luck (and perhaps destiny, if you believe in one).

So if I create a map, this is the extent of my mobility (and I am 25 years old when I wrote this):

I'm pretty sure that you must have read or heard so many people saying "you must travel lots when you are in your 20's". Well, I guess my case is a rather extreme one. So when I feel like I need to spend some of my weekends lazing around my apartment, I have a reasonably valid excuse :P

To people who have never lived outside their own country, or even their own hometown, I get a lot of "Which country/city do you like the best?"

The answer is always difficult because there are pros and cons to each place. And while some places are great for tourism, it's not a great place to live. For this, I will have to nominate Paris. I don't want to say anything further about Paris, but living there for 2 months certainly destroyed my fantasy about "a romantic city".

Living in the US can be rather boring if you are interested into experiencing cultural events because pretty much people are interested in shopping, getting the latest gadget, eating at famous restaurants, etc. Unlike in Europe, Christmas season means big sales, not drinking mulled wines and enjoying little Christmas treats. And living without a car can be pretty painful in the US, since the public transport is pretty bad. Well, it probably differs from cities to cities, or from states to states. The US is a very convenient place to live, with stores open till late every day and online shopping made very easy. The best part of it? Almost in every corner of the US, everyone speaks English and at this point, I am more confident speaking English than my native language, Indonesian.

(image source: dailymail.co.uk)

Cork in Ireland can be rather dull and gloomy. And rainy just like the UK. But what I love from Ireland is the Irish hospitality. I felt so welcome by the locals, and I perceive their kindness as saintly. I remember getting lost in the city as a newcomer, and someone on the road just stopped her car just to ask if my friends and I were lost. They speak English, too, but their accents are a little bit hard to pick up. It took me about 3 weeks to adjust my ears.

In Kinsale, a neighboring town to Cork

Lund in Sweden is a cozy place, although it's pretty much filled in with aged residents in the summer, since the university students would be leaving for home. Things are rather slow-paced, and it is blessed with great nature. I was there during summer and I enjoyed it. Not sure if I'd become a snowball in winter, though. One thing I don't really like about Sweden is that the food is rather bland. With exception of the Swedish meatballs served with real lingon berry - not cranberry - jam. I know that in most IKEAs around the world, lingon berry is not available, so you've been eating the IKEA meatball with cranberry jam instead. The difference between lingon berry and cranberry is probably rather minimal and if you don't even know how lingon berry tastes like, cranberry jam is good enough.

Summer in Sweden

I lived in two cities (well, I would consider the other one a village, but it is officially a city based on legal laws) when I was in the Netherlands. To be honest, Rotterdam has been the most enjoyable city I have lived so far. It was a lively city, not too crowded, convenient, excellent public transport... and almost everyone speaks good English. The weather is considerably mild, and there is almost everything you need. True, it is rather modern and some people may take modern city as boring, but it is very close to good touristic places. And oh, the open market is absolutely awesome. Everything is fresh, the prices are lower than the supermarket, and there are good selections of items, ranging from fresh produce to gorgeous flowers.

The iconic symbol of the Netherlands: windmills

If there are unique things I like about the Netherlands, those are: 1) a lot of people speak good English considering English is not their first language, 2) finding Indonesian (and other Asian food) is rather easy, and 3) it is very international. The hardest thing to get adjusted to was the Dutch directness, which can be perceived as rudeness if you are not aware that they do not have evil intention when they openly criticize something about you. But in the end, I kind of like it. It's better than holding in things and cursing people behind their backs, not giving them any chance to improve.

Singapore, on the other hand, has gone quite tremendous changes over the years and sometimes when I went back there for holidays or to visit my friends, I felt that it was oddly foreign. There are more and more foreigners, and wherever I go, I always meet an Indonesian on the street. It's weird. Singapore is rich with many forms of entertainment, but it can be a very stressful place to live. I remember when I was in high school, someone from the top 3 school across the nation committed suicide because she got one B in her midterm exams. The "B is a failure" mentality can be rather suffocating, but I don't think Singapore can be released from this culture any time soon. But hey, there are lots of good food in Singapore, like Hainanese chicken rice, laksa, and roti prata.

(image source: forbes.com)

Now, the reason why I started this post was because I just moved to Switzerland almost two months ago, and by far, this move was the hardest for me. Contrary to the "I don't care if you see everything inside my house, I'm gonna open all the curtains in my house" mentality of the Dutch, the residents of Switzerland love to close their windows not just with curtains, but with metal blinds. After working hours (let's say 5-6 PM), all windows are shut.

Enjoying Alpen horns in St Cergue, close to Geneva

You can say it is peaceful, but it is too quiet for me. It's kind of like Wageningen in the Netherlands. But I think I will get used to it soon by picking up hobbies and exploring places. The best thing about living in Switzerland is probably the abundance of good cheese and white wines, the reliability of the public transportation system, and the fact that you are forbidden to work on Sundays (yippie!!).

As for my hometown, Jakarta... I think I see more cons than pros, and if my family is not there, I would not pick it as a place to live. The traffic jam is insane. At one time during my vacation back home, it took us at least 30 minutes to go to the supermarket, which is probably less than 5 km away from our house. My mobility is extremely restricted, and I really hate that. Walking on the streets alone as a girl, even in a broad daylight, can be very dangerous. In the malls, in a restaurant, on the streets, in front of your house, in your car... let's not even talk about in public transport. When I go back, the only things I appreciate are my family, my house, and the food.

Can you imagine that you have a sudden heart attack in the middle of the road and the ambulance can't even pass through? Or you are in labour and you are going to give birth in the next few minutes, when the traffic is like this every day? I mean, let's cross our fingers that we don't have to be in such situations, but if any of these emergencies were to happen... Ugh!

(image source: says.com)

Oh, and finally, Tokyo! I went there in spring for 3 months, and it was awesome. Things are pricey, and people there are rather reserved. Stand out a little bit, and everyone will be staring at you. The morning trains make me understand how it feels to be a sardine in a can. But overall, it is a very convenient city with lots of entertainment (especially the karaoke boxes and game arcades!). Tokyo is rather unique, with very modern buildings blended with natural landscapes. The old and the new are standing side-by-side. Vending machines are everywhere, and 100 yen shops are dens of evil sucking money out of you without realizing it (the items are worth their values, though). People are still shy about speaking English, but the young ones are quite willing to speak English. And there are more and more signs in roman letters, so navigating through the city is rather easy.

In a traditional Japanese inn (ryokan)

What is your favorite place to live?

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Switzerland - Temeley Alp Farmer's Brunch 2014

Thanks to a suggestion from my first friend in Switzerland who has been living here for three years, I was able to do an exciting activity on my first Friday in Switzerland. It was also my first hiking trip, with a pair of cheap sneakers from H&M and a handbag. Obviously, I was not expecting a 45-minute hike from the nearest train station. But the hike wasn't so bad. I was sweating a lot since I'm not an athletic person, but I made it!

The farmer's brunch, or le brunch à la ferme, is a yearly event organized by farmers in Switzerland on Swiss National Day (1st of August).

You have to book the brunch at least 2 days in advance, but the earlier the better, because there might be no more places available at the farms for the brunch. In my case, I was lucky that I could book it the day before because I just arrived on the 30th of July to Switzerland. Phew!

To see the available farms, go to brunch.ch. It is in French, but Google Chrome translated it pretty well.

I chose a farm in Alpage du Temeley (Temeley Alps) owned by Annie and Alain Cornamusaz. Luckily, Annie speaks English, and I was able to book the brunch over the phone. 

To reach this farm, you can first take a local train to Aigle, which is also blessed with beautiful landscape. From there, take a funicular. A funicular is a train that can climb slopes, and with that comes beautiful views. If you don't know how to reach it from your place, just go to the Swiss train website SBB.ch and enter Leysin-Feydey gare as the destination if you want to take a shuttle bus to the farm. If you are up for hiking a little bit, enter Leysin-Grand-Hôtel instead because it is closer to the farm. I think you can also hike from Leysin-Feydey, but it will take much longer.

Supreme view of Aigle

Found a castle in Aigle! Maybe I'll go there next..

Hiking view from Leysin-Grand-Hôtel funicular station

Once you arrive at the farm, you have to first find your name from the list, and then pay for the brunch in cash. My brunch was 30 Francs, and compared to the price of McDonald burger in Switzerland (9 Francs), this amount is very reasonable.

Once you paid, you will get a sticker, and then you may begin your feast.

Vegetables, cured meat, cheese, salad, fresh fruits, desserts... the variety of the selection was pretty good. 

But my favourite was the hot chocolate drink made from fresh milk. It's so fresh that you need to still use a sieve to filter some residue. My guess is that this milk has been pasteurized (maybe manually in a pan?) and has not been homogenized.

And speaking of milk, the meringue was awesome.  

You have to eat it with freshly prepared creme. With the meringue melting in your mouth, releasing sweetness that compliments the creme... oh, it was so delicious!

When you feel so bored of munching and gulping calories, you can visit the shop for some local produce like cheese, jams, syrups and meringue.

You can also see the process of traditional Swiss cheese-making, starting from warming the milk to the right temperature, adding the enzyme rennin to produce the curds, stirring, pressing and aging.

The owner of the farm checking the degree of curding by looking at how much the milk coats the stirrer. He must have been very trained to do this kind of check manually!

Don't enjoy food that much? Well enjoy the good summer weather of Switzerland surrounded by nature and clean air (I really appreciate it very much, coming from a polluted capital city of Indonesia).

Interested for the hike? Here's the location:

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Portugal - Porto for Port

Before I know where Porto is, I knew and fell in love with Port, and even learned how it was made in one of my old food science class. I had a great chance to visit Porto thanks to the European Master in Food Studies peeps from one edition above me.

I visited Porto in early June and the weather was gorgeous. Blue sky and bright sun, slightly breezy, warm, but not too warm.

To be honest, I didn't really know where I was heading because I was just following my friends who had been living in Porto, or had been touring Porto.

One of the most memorable building we visited was the São Bento railway station in the middle of the city. The interior decoration was breath-taking.

São Bento Railway Station

There are also tuk-tuk in Porto. In Indonesia, we call that bajaj, although these tuk-tuk are obviously fancier than any available bajaj.

We took a touristic train around the town and to visit one of the oldest wine cellar in Porto calle Real Vinicola. It was only 8 Euros. The original price was 10 Euros, but apparently you can bargain with them :)

There are also wines aged in wooden barrels reserved for royal families, as seen by the Royal emblem on the barrel.

The winery tour included Port wine tastings. I tasted white Port for the first time - I always thought that all Port wines are red!

To my surprise, I actually love white Port very much. It is very sweet, but it's really smooth.

Now, let's talk about the exciting part: FOOD!

1. Francesinha 
Lo and behold, this is the famous Porto calorie bomb, Francesinha.

A plate of Francesinha

It's a layer of toast, meat, cheese, bacon, sausages, cheese, toast, more cheese, fried egg with runny yolk, and finally basked in sauce made of tomato and beer.

It's very difficult to finish a plate of this heart attack-inducing food because it is heavy, but it's good. And I just had to try it, since I was in Porto.

2. Bolinhos de Bacalhau

Bolinhos de Bacalhau, served with fries

Bolinhos de Bacalhau is translated as bacalhau balls, and it is basically balls of dried and salted cod. In restaurants, if you want to eat fresh cod (unsalted ones), you will have to look for bacalhau fresco in the menu. Otherwise, assume all bacalhau in Porto dried and salted.

These bacalhau balls are surprisingly not very fishy. It's also one of the things to eat in Porto :)

If you want to buy the 'raw' bacalhau, you can buy them from supermarkets easily.

 3. Pastries

The prices of pastries in Porto, compared to other parts of Europe like the Netherlands and especially Switzerland, is very cheap. There are many bakeries around. These pastries are great to start the day. Don't forget to try the Portuguese egg tart as well.

4. Octopus

Octopus can hardly go wrong in Porto, especially grilled octopus. we tried this grilled octopus basked in olive oil (and maybe some herbs and garlic, too?). It was splendid.

There are a lot of wine cellars along the Douro River that you can go to. But even if you are not a wine enthusiast (or can't drink wine for any reason), it's still a wonderful place for a casual stroll.

I would highly recommend going to Taylor's. Yes, it's English, but they really make good Port wines here. It's also one of the oldest Port winemakers.

If you are going on foot, the trip up to Taylor's can be quite a pain. But that's pretty much expected when you are travelling in Porto. I heard the slopes are not as steep as those in Lisbon, but anyways, it's a good exercise!

The end of the wine tour is always the most exciting: tasting. We tried vintage Ports here (that's what Taylor's is famous for, apparently).

I've never tasted any vintage wines, but holy molly, it was one of the best wines I have ever tasted!! It's a shame that I did not have a check-in baggage, so it would be difficult to bring a bottle back to the Netherlands. But anyways, vintage wines are expensive, and they have to be finished as quick as possible to avoid too much oxidation. I can't even survive drinking a glass of wine. It would go wasted on me.

We also visited Mercado do Bolhão, a semi open-air market. You can get fresh fruits and vegetables, and also flowers.

My friend showed us a cool candy shop with a refreshing concept. Or maybe not, if you have been taking medicines a lot. The shop is called Dream Pills (click here to visit their website).

At Dream Pills, you can mix and match candies and gums (and chocolates too, I think) and put them in a bottle of various sizes.

You can put prescriptions on the bottle, for example "For stress relieve" or "To remember Porto". There are "prescription labels" in English as well, although most are in Portuguese. And then they put the bottle in a paper bag, just like how you would get your medicine from a pharmacy. In the end, they are just candies packaged in an innovative way, but it's the experience that matters. And if you care about packaging (like me), you'd love this place.

I met some stray kittens as well. It's nothing particularly special, but I just love cats and I've never owned a cat haha.

Porto is one of the places I would love to come back one day :)

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